It goes without saying. Until it doesn't.

It used to be fully understood without saying.  They signed you up. You went. You learned. You came home different.  Quietly, but as a matter of top priority, you'd been given the tools to thrive and the freedom to perfect and enjoy yourself.   

That feels mostly gone from a lot of communities now. 

Now, we don't talk about it because it has been crowded out by everything else on the calendar.  Bringing it up now can feel futile.  We stay quiet and so we never realize we all feel the same way.  As a result, kids have to manage reading a room without the right skills or practice – improvising introductions, avoiding eye contact, texting instead of calling, feeling small at important tables, hiding in screens for that feeling of togetherness, thinking video clips are the height of interaction.   

"They don't teach these things anymore."   Well, that's false!

Cotillion is a not a new idea. Across the country, many programs are still thriving, and not by accident. The recent generations have conserved the tradition because it comes with winning specifics; shared experiences, feedback from a compartmentalized coach who is not a parent or a school teacher, and the unique joy of having planned practice and celebration on the calendar. The events are scheduled, visible, and set in a space worthy of their efforts -- commensurate with the dignity they have worked so hard to recognize in themselves and express.

That’s a hard thing to replicate at home. Families hold occasions, of course. But the routine, focused formation of children is a little harder to produce in the quantity needed to get the job done. That's why Cotillions have flourished and grown all over the United States since the 1950s, having taken their curriculum from the less structured efforts of the earlier 1900s to invite teenagers into the social space with age-appropriate games and dances. Back then, Cotillions were plentiful. Families chose one, and everybody went.

Growing up in the 1980s and 1990s, this was still the case in my hometown of Richmond Virginia. The Cotillion I attended had been founded in 1944 and was lovingly referred to as Miss Donnan's. It is going strong under the name Junior Assembly. Since those days, I have worked to keep my etiquette current and have had the pleasure of collaborating with other Cotillion Founders to raise the bar on curriculum even above and beyond the gold-standard training I received.

The truths hold over 100 years later - we want to usher our young ones into adulthood with all the confidence they need to shine, thrive, and enjoy. They have a much better time, and character takes root much more deeply when they share the experience with friends and grow their village of role models to include their Cotillion teachers. They set out on a life well-lived, with the occasions already on their calendars. They immediately adopt a heart posture of joyfully anticipating dignified events with people whose dignity they are learning to see and celebrate.

We can do so much better than leaving them without sure footing, missing out on the joy that comes with learning the art of being good company. And we are, Topeka!